i feel like a teenager again
and not in a good way
my parents are getting divorced, i wldn't really feel too bad abt it if it weren't for my role in the downfall of my parents' marriage.
i know it's essentially not my fault, but i feel like life went downhill for my family ever since i told my mum abt my dad's infidelity when i was 7.
she completely broke down as a person and i saw someone lose their mind in real time but had to stay together and keep up the image for the kids.
she had so much hate in her after. so much, that we were frequently abused and maybe until today i think i should have never told her the truth.
i remember her before she knew.
that person died that day, and in her place a being of anger and hatred had replaced her.
in her defense, she did try her best. she tried to keep it together, tried to maybe even love her husband again but he kept doing it and doing it and doing it.
and she stayed.
and everytime he dropped the ball she would explode and hurt everyone, mentally, physically. she was so full of anger and hatred that it burnt everyone around her.
even her kids, who had nothing to do with it
im talking about beatings til we couldn't move, initiated by something trivial
almost all of them burnt in my memory.
i remember when my little brother put on one of those temporary funny tattoos you buy from the school bookshop, the kind that you put water on it and stick on your skin
guess what.
she beat him to an inch of his life. over a funny little tattoo.
she smacked him to the ground, and kicked his stomach and caned him as he curled up and cried and begged for mercy
she's done a lot of things like that in the past, to all of us except the youngest.
she's done that to me too, over another trivial matter.
i was 5 or something and was determined to do things on my own like pouring my own cup of water.
unfortunately, the water jug was too heavy and i cld barely see over the table so i spilt quite a bit of it.
she caught me, emptied the jar on my head, smacked me to the ground, and kicked me repeatedly.
she also once woke me up by breaking a broomstick on my body. over something i didn't do.
i harbor a lot of hatred for her, and i've been trying to put that away as she's calmer these past few years but honestly this whole divorce thing she initiated brought all that angst back
don't know why it did, but it did.
my dad was the worst husband, but a good father.
my mother didn't cheat, but she was a horrible mother.
im sure she loved us, between the abuse and hatred, im sure she loved us in her own way.
maybe these feelings are coming back up because the last time they fought and considered divorce was when i was teen, and my siblings were still in primary school, and that was when the abuse was at its worst
obviously, im not the only one struggling
my siblings, although they are all as grown up as i am, are struggling with how they feel about it too.
my brother ignored the whole thing, pretended nothing was going on. idk if that's how he copes with things. maybe.
my sister cried.
i've decided to go for therapy, so that i can get some insight on how to get my family through this mostly okay.
the last time i tried to
i'm not sure if the announcement brought back any memories from our childhood for them, but if it did i hope they know im here.
i tried talking to my fiancee and my friend about what's happening and it seems like they don't really care or have more important things to think about so i really don't want to bother them with it. i don't really feel too bad about them not wanting to talk about it.
how i used to cope
when i was a teen and my mum often beat the living shit out of me, and screamed everyday at the kids and at my dad, i listened to blink 182 a lot
'stay together for the kids', 'adam's song', 'down', felt like they were written specifically for kids like me back then lmao.
but yk what. this too shall pass.
oh well,
chxshire22
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